My mother
My mother came by today. I haven't talked to her for maybe a month. I have been feeling for sometime that she doesn't like me anymore.
After she got out of the hospital 2 yrs. ago, she didn't want to go back to my father; she did, however, go back. She stayed with him for over 6 months, before moving into an apartment. I didn't side with her at the time. I suppose I sided with my father. He was so pathetic. She seemed so strong. I didn't think she needed me. After all, she had my brother and sister and their spouses to back her. She also had a close female friend.
I felt at the time that she had abandoned me for her friend, Kimberly. I was hurt because my mother and I had been very close. I was the one who had brought Kim and mom together, but I never thought that they would become so close. She doesn't talk to or see Kimberly very much anymore. And of course she is living with my father again. After a few months away from him, her Christian conscience drove her back home. I wish she hadn't gone back to him. Maybe she wouldn't have if I had supported her.
Today, my mother and I talked about our estrangement. She told me that she was very hurt when I supported my father.
I see her point. After all, my father is the main reason for most of my problems. He's done everything in his power to tear our family apart. He doesn't love me. And yet, after everything is said and done, I feel sorry for him.
Besides the emotional and mental abuse my father inflicted on me, I believe that my father sexually abused me. This is something that is starting to make alot of sense. I went online to look for the symptoms of sexual abuse - particularly child sexual abuse. I was astounded by what I found. I have almost every symptom. Is it possible that this man who gave me life, abused my body when I was too young to defend myself? What kind of person would do that?
I have alot of work to do....obviously.....
3-3-03@1:17 a.m.