No consolation
The front porch of my home needs washing. It’s a catchall for leaves, dust, dead bugs and anything that’s too dirty to bring in the house, but I’m too lazy to take to the shed. As much as I would like to rinse it off – I can’t. There are ants traversing back and forth across its length. Small dark brown ants whose only purpose in life, at the moment, is to carry small, white eggs to a new nest. Last week my husband pointed them out to me. The ants were carrying their cargo from south to north across our porch to a better home. Today they are carrying (I would imagine) the same cargo, but this time they are traveling from north to south. Are they going back to their former home? What made them change their minds? The weather has changed in the last week. It turned from pleasant 70’s to high 80’s. Maybe there is more water where they are going. It hasn’t rained in what seems weeks. The lawn could use a good drenching, but I’m afraid to water now. I look at these industrious workers and can’t imagine making their lives any harder. I watch as one, carrying a very large egg, loses his way. He turns in circles that are larger and larger until at last he is back on track following his fellow workers to their new nest. I notice that some of these travellers do not appear to be carrying anything in their mouths. Are they lazy? Are they depressed? Do they have another purpose? Perhaps they are simply holding very small eggs in their mouths that are not apparent to my eyes. I feel very small in comparison to these creatures. They are such hard workers - never taking even the tiniest of breaks.
I feel fat and sloppy today. My hair is greasy and my face is swollen. I’m wearing an old bathrobe that is faded from too much bleach. I haven’t even brushed my hair or teeth. I haven’t taken a shower since Thursday and the thought of doing so seems too much of an effort. I am in a major depression. It began descending upon me last Tuesday. Try as I might I was unable to stop it from happening. I have been colder than usual to my husband. I can see the worry on his face, but I cannot find the empathy to comfort him. He tries to comfort me. No comfort can penetrate me. I hate living like this. Death would be an improvement. I toy with the idea, but find no consolation. It is not an avenue available to me. Even that has been taken away by promises made long ago.
2004-05-09@11:15 p.m.